Bill O' Reilly Gives his Take on Kittengate

Bill O’ Reilly: Bias, propaganda, and the kitten eating, anti-American, Jesus haters of the radical-left: that is the subject of this evening’s talking points memo.

Over the past 48 hours, Harvard’s Berkman Center for Internet and Society has once again come under fire for providing asylum to numerous anti-American kitten eaters. As usual, the mainstream left-wing media, including CNN and the New York Times, are refusing to cover the scandal. However, unlike the liberal media, Talking Points believes that all Americans have a right to know what really happened behind the blood stained closed doors of the Berkman Center.

Talking Points was first made aware of these allegations last January when a heroic citizen journalist named Jon Koppenhoefer blew the first whistle on Berkman’s culture of kitten eating. However, unlike CBS and the rest of the liberal media, Talking Points -- regardless of the fact that we were 99.9% certain that the allegation were accurate -- refrained from airing the story. The fact was that there were some legitimate concerns that Koppenhoefer lacked credibility. In particular, our team of professional investigative reporters felt uneasy about the multiple instances of all-caps text and liberal usage of four explanation points (see figure 1.1 and 1.2).

AN EVIL CYBORG INTENT ON DEVOURING THE BLOGOSPHERE!!!! AND SHE EATS KITTENS!!!! REALLY, REALLY CUTE KITTENS!!!! (Figure 1.1)

PLEASE!!!! WON'T YOU THINK OF THE KITTENS!!! (Figure 1.2)

CNN, CBS, and MSNBC would be wise to take note of our dedication to reporting the truth: We call it good journalism, and its why is Fox consistently rated as America’s number one source of news and opinion.

For the past few weeks, it actually looked as though the Kittengate story would die. Ironically, however, it was a Berkman lackey, and kitten-eater sympathizer by name of Nick Lewis who would unintentially bring this scandal back into the public eye!

Mr. Lewis was first noted by Talking Point’s radar when he wrote a “news report” on the scandal a few weeks ago. In all fairness, Mr. Lewis’s report – relatively speaking – appeared more credible than the others. As our team of professional investigative journalists noted, his report contained no all-caps text. Morever, not a single exclaimation point was used. The headline even clearly reflected the reality that Rebecca Mackinnon eats Kittens. Finally Mr. Lewis deserves credit for doing his duty, and including within his story's headline the obvious conclusion that if Ms. Mackinnon eats kittens; then she also hates America and Jesus (in addition to rapping about guns, ho’s and blunts). Folks, that's just common sense. If you disagree, than you can just shut up. Your biased opinions aren't worth a second of my airtime.

However, since I knew better than to trust someone with an Irish surname (O'Reilly laughs at his own joke), I asked the Fox News Truth Squad to do some research on Mr. Lewis… And guess what? He is not a journalist! (O'Reilly pauses for 3 seconds with eye browse raised) In fact, he happens to be a moderately well known anti-US propagandist who has publically expressed his radical left-wing views. In addition, our investigation uncovered that Mr. Lewis founded and administrates a radical internet-based network of left-wing fascists; and its name would put Orwell to shame: The Progressive Blog Alliance.

Hey, Mr. Lewis, if you’re watching, you better listen up buddy! There isn’t anything progressive running a terrorist sympathizing Marxist propaganda machine! Got it? That’s all the time I’m going to waste talking about his PR firm for terrorists….

Thanks to the professional expertise of Fox New’s Truth Squad, Talking Points easily uncovered Mr. Lewis’s attempt to pollute the public mind with pro-kitten-eating propaganda. Their official report concluded:

Mr. Lewis appears to have made a conscious effort to only include quotes from sources that sympathized with the kitten eaters. More insidiously, however, it is clear that Mr. Lewis purposefully cherry picked quotes that would reflect a wide spectrum of political views. We have therefore come to the conclusion that his goal was to manufacture an appearance that eating kittens is acceptable, and supported by liberals, conservatives, intellectuals, and good-old-boys alike. (Source: Offical Report by Professionals)

However, not only is Mr. Lewis wrong, and a supporter of evil; he is also stupid! Yesterday, Mr. Lewis publically announced that his intention to suck up to one of his handlers, former CNN corrospondant Rebecca Mackinnon. Mr. Lewis “edited” the accurate headline that correctly stated that Ms. Mackinnon ate kittens, and was therefore a solo gangsta’ rapper and hater of Jesus and America. He replaced the objective headine, with a softer headline, which was clearly designed to de-emphasize Ms MacKinnon's personal involvement. He is a spineless lackey. Just one hour after Mr. Lewis "edited" the headline, Ms. Mackinnon thanked him , and then publically admitted that she “had to run off” to eat some kittens! Talking Points considers their exchange to be proof that both Mackinnon and Lewis are clearly guilty.

However, the stupidity of Lewis and Mackinnon does not deserve full credit for the unearthing of this scandal. Talking Points, America, and indeed all of the souls that have existed throughout history itself, owe a debt of gratidude to the Japanese businessman, blogger, and internet guru, Joi Ito, and John Palfrey, the executive director of the Berkman center. As a result of their robust moral fiber, the disgusting fraud and spin campaign attempted by Ms. Mackinnon (a.k.a. M.C. R-KhaN-Vers E tal on the street) and her lackey, Mr. Lewis, now has the full attention of the public. Though the professional experts in our truth squad point out that Joi Ito is also a radical leftist, Talking Points nevertheless applauds his dedication to defending basic human decency.

Talking Points will continue to watch this scandal as it unfolds, but before we take a break, I wanted to make one last point: Be careful America. Don’t listen to the propaganda, the lies, and arguments for cultural relativism that the defenders of this vicious practice will soon unleash. Eating lives kittens is an attack against the core values of freedom. Kittens are not only cute, but they have claws and if you treat them wrong, they aren’t afraid to use them; they don’t just give “love handouts” , you have to earn there love with work and time!

The kitten symbolizes America, and its dedication to free markets, its willingness to defend itself, and its culture, which rewards work better than any place in the world. The kitten is the ultimate rugged individualist. Eating kittens is an attack on American ideals, our founding fathers – the very thing we call the American dream.

These kitten eaters probably love puppies… Puppies are dumb; they will follow you if you feed them; they fake love to get more food; there only appeal is there alleged skin deep “cuteness”. In other words, puppies symbolize the entitlement culture, hand outs, and materialistic values of Marxist philosophy. You puppy lovers all know – deep in your heart – that you are shallow, lazy, and materialistic. And your so called “love” for puppies is merely a symptom of your larger moral and spiritual sickness.

So, puppy lovers, listen up: you live in a free country, and I can’t stop you from engaging in the sick games of dependency that you play with animals -- as long as you keep it to your own home. But if you eat a kitten, not only will I throw a punch at you for hurting a defenseless creature, but I will kill you. I’ve fought my Dad, don’t think I won’t fight you. Feeling brave, America haters? Bring it on! If you eat a kitten alive, I will respond as though you had just killed and eaten America, Jesus, and Freedom. So here is your warning: I’m watching you and I’m just one of millions of Americans that consider kittens sacred. And that’s the memo.