I've decided that I finally need to build a site for my professional work in web design and development. Being young and foolish, I figured I could find some good examples of how to "do" a professional website. What I found instead, I present tonight. What you read is real. It may shock you. It may anger you. It may confuse you. However, I'm allowing this filth to be broadcast for one reason, and one reason alone: To educate the public on how NOT to write:

Note: As the reader will notice, in my own prose, I often provide examples of bad, sloppy writing. I do this to help educate the masses. The idea that I might just be lazy is just crazy talk

Lesson One: First sentence = first impression

I kid you not! The very first sentence on a certain web design firm's page:

We are recognized as one of the leading creative web designer.

For Christ's sake, don't mangle the very first sentence your customer reads! Most prospects are going to make a snap judgement of you, and your work within a 5 second time frame. Once that judgement has been made, its very hard to erase.

My strategy as of late has been to post a sticky note on the corner of my monitor. Mine, for example, reads,

"five fucking seconds, you ADHD, delusional, self-centered imbecile"

That message is a needed reminder that no one really cares about me or my website. The cold reality is that my website's success greatly depends on how effectively I can communicate a winning message in 5 seconds.

Lesson Two: Use words to communicate.

I find it odd that I'm reminding people that words are tools for communication. However, I feel like its necessary given the current state of language on the web. Take this sentence:

Lets start with "is committed to”. I say erase it. You, oh uppity hypothetical reader, might protest, "but we want to let customers know we are committed to providing services”. To that I ask a simple question, "is it necessary to emphasize that your business is committed to providing the service which keeps it business?"

The rule is simple: any phrase which you observe over and over again on business websites (i.e. "industry leader", "innovative solutions") can be considered "meaningless" Such phrases are clutter, and should be deleted accordingly.

Just what is e-business? Electronic business? Didn't we drop this buzzword in 1999? And enough "solution's already! That's the whole point of hiring people: to solve problems, i.e. solutions. Do these people honestly think they are contrasting themselves with businesses that bill themselves as "providers of robust and scalable problems".

This next fragment is full of things that piss me off, "through innovative application of marketing and information technology”

"Innovative”… a meaningless word, again! Yes, I know words like innovative are held dear by marketers. However, customers, (remember them?) translate "innovative” as "”. Like a cliché, it has lost all impact as a word, because of overuse.

"application of marketing and information technology" -- Great, so"marketing and information technology" now come in the form of a gentle topical cream. One application usually does the trick.

Fuck this sentence -- quit -- . Until tonight's later installment that is.