Buzzwhack

Every once in a while, I stumble across a site that reaffirms my faith in the Internet – and indeed, my faith in humanity itself. Today, that site is Buzzwhack. A collaborative dictionary dedicated to de-mystifying buzzwords. To review, a buzzword is defined as:

buzz.word (buz´wûrd) n. A usually important-sounding word or phrase used primarily to impress laypersons.

Therefore a buzzwhacker is

buzz.whack.er (buz´wak er) n. A person who receives some degree of pleasure in bursting the bubbles of the pompous.

With that out  of the way, I present you with just a few choice definitions of buzzwords that I found: [This link was brought to you in part by glorious comrade anonymoses]

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Web-enabled: Ducks are web-enabled. But it seems now if you use the Web to do business, you’re Web-enabled. That means you’ve been telephone-enabled, stapler-enabled and spreadsheet-enabled for years.

robust: A word best used to describe coffee, but is now regularly found in press releases about businesses or software. Frequently combined with scalable, as in "robust and scalable."

scalable: No, it has nothing to do with removing those flaky things from the sides of fish. Mostly it means that someone is trying to sell you a computer system that can be easily expanded just in case your business actually grows. Hint: No one’s foolish enough to try to sell you a non-scalable system these days.

fact-based management: A novel concept touted by business gurus for improving profits. First, evaluate and measure a given business process, then use those "facts" to streamline it. Simply amazing.

values: THE defining buzzword of the 2004 presidential election. While no one is quite sure what they are, both candidates are emphatic that theirs match mainstream America.

strategic alliances: Why would you have a business alliance that wasn’t strategic?

strategic partnerships: Why would you have a business partnership if it wasn’t strategic in nature?

seamless, seamlessly: One of the great technology marketing myths. "Our software can be seamlessly integrated into your current system." Truth: It’s never seamless and it takes an extra nine months and $2.3 million to get it close.

collaborative: This year’s buzzword maker. Just put "collaborative" in front of any word or phrase and you’re in business. See "collaborative commerce solutions," "collaborative filtering," "collaborative partnership." Psssst: Collaborative means "working together."

action items: A term that sounds more macho and businesslike than "to do" list.

time frame: Term used to make it sound as if a job will be done at a future date (We'll do that in the June time frame), but more often signals that the job will never be completed at all.

customer-centric: This comes from the process of taking any noun and tacking "centric" to the end of it. In this case, it means a business, product or service is focused or "centered" on the customer. "Our new product line was produced using a customer-centric process."  Now there's a novel concept.

entity: A legitimate word that once primarily heard in science fiction stories. "Sorry, Captain, but the interference is being caused by an unknown entity. Now the business sector is abusing the term: "We've established a strategic partnership with another entity." Translated: "We don't really know how to do that so we have outsourced that part of the job to another company."

foreseeable future: A nebulous time frame used by business execs when they don't know OR don't want you to know what they plan to do next. "There are no plans for layoffs in the foreseeable future." Of course, that could mean two days, two weeks or two years.

high level: To focus on the "big picture," as in "Let's keep this discussion on a high level." Frequently used as a way to avoid discussing the details of a project by those who really don't really know what's going on.

interdependent partnering: "Partnering" has become so overused that in order for it to sound important the BuzzMakers feel compelled to add another layer of obfuscation. Doesn't partnering naturally create mutual dependence?

Internet speed: You’re definitely not cool if your company isn’t running at Internet speed.

recognition: Seen by most companies as a way to boost morale. Viewed by most employees as a poor substitute for a pay raise.

user-centric: A novel concept where products and services are designed with the user in mind. Duh!